Spoiler Alert: So far all I've done throughout February is whine and now I've taken to blogging about my woes.

It’s 1.38am. I’m chain-smoking a ten deck that I bought instead of food. I have a mountain of work I need to get through. I haven’t slept properly in weeks. My skin is a show yet I’ve still not motivated myself to wash my face. I have around 150 emails I need to reply to. I haven’t rung my mum back properly in days. My dinner today was some out of date pine nuts and tea was a handful of cereal. My sleeping pills expired in 2014. I haven’t even opened the mountain of mail I finally collected from my post box earlier.

So naturally rather than doing any basic life admin tasks that will take minutes to do, I’m writing this. 

What I Wrote

The Feel Good February 28 Day Challenge Do as I say, not as I do etc etc.

Dealing With Valentine’s Day This is a bit dated already but read and get a head start on next year’s preparations?

Celeb Eyebrows: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly I wrote this a while ago but while wallowing in self-pity I caught a glimpse of my eyebrows and realised how lucky I am to have amazing brows at least. They’re all down to The Brow Doctors and if you live within travelling distance of Liverpool and not going to them for all your eyebrow needs, you’re honestly playing a mug’s game.

What I Did

Begged For Money Online Yep, just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom you learn that there is always somewhere lower to go. I really didn’t think anyone but my mother would donate* but it turns out that the internet is full of porn, videos of cats, shitty right-wing YouTube stars and, loads of lovely people on Instagram. I started the day moaning about a broken laptop and phone but ended it paying a bill via an online tip jar, slightly drunk and waxing lyrical about ‘the kindness of strangers’ like a drunk aunt after a few at a family party.

I’m eternally grateful to anyone who ‘bought me a coffee’ and it really did make a massive difference to my week.

*turns out my own mother didn’t even tip me. If you are reading this Gail, here is the link to my Ko-Fi page – cough up. 

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⚠️ A very self indulgent 'poor little me' X Factor style rant lies ahead, you have been warned ⚠️ I've set up a Ko-Fi page (cringe) & put the link in my bio if you want to 'buy me a coffee'. The idea of Ko-Fi if you don't know it like an online tip jar for people who put content online for free (like naff Instagram memes 🌚) & to help out freelancers. I wasn't going to do one because 1) I don't do enough. I haven't blogged properly yet & I don't even post enough on here these days & 2) It's a bit humiliating. However, I see middle class journalists with salaries & steady income setting up Patreons & this morning I woke up, to a broken laptop & a phone on it's arse, & thought 'Fuck it, I'm having a go.' Full disclosure: I hate coffee so it you do 'buy me one' I will be using it to go towards my rent instead. If you've ever laughed at my stuff & have a quid to spare, id be forever grateful. If you've ever nicked one of my memes & got thousands of likes more than I got then you can deffo buy me a coffee – with extra cream. Okay I'm gonna stop typing cause I'm cringing to death – there are more details on my bio page.

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What I’ve Been Watching

T2: Trainspotting Well, I watched all of it bar the first 15 minutes as while the film was starting I was at the bar queuing for drinks as we had managed to drink all our ale before the trailers even finished. I want to say this is the first time something like this has happened but I don’t want to lie.

Verdict? I dunno. As a stand-alone film I enjoyed it but it really tainted the original for me. I found the demise of the characters quite sad to watch (yeah, I know as a bunch of 20 something heroin addicts in the first film they weren’t exactly smashing life but you know what I mean) and as insignificant as it sounds, I really noticed the absence of a narration.

When Renton delivered a rebooted 2017 version of his Choose Life speech, I was pretty glad I’d got that extra drink as I was cringing pretty hard watching and can’t imagine what it would have been like to endure it sober.

And that’s my in-depth, articulate review. I expect Empire Magazine will be in contact to offer me a job as a film critic any day now.

What I’ve Been Reading

How Memes Taught Millennials To Talk About Mental Health

14 Words For Sadness & Depression That Don’t Exist In English I thought I’d bring a little culture to the table for when I’m moaning about how sad I am.

I Watched Fifty Shades Darker So You Don’t Have To

Woman Tries To Enjoy Night Out Even Though Her Instagram Post Is Fucking Tanking I like to revisit this one now and again. Even just the headline is hilarious.

This is This Week That Was #15 I get a shout out in this blog so I’m being a huge narcissist and insisting you all go and read the lovely words Oh Bella had to say about this blog and worship me. If you don’t feel like worshipping me, you can check out her Instagram page instead which is full of pictures that make all my efforts look like I’ve taken them using a broken Sky remote and captions that are more in-depth and informative than anything you’ll find on here. I have no idea why I’ve had to put myself down to big someone else up but it’s the early hours of the morning and self loathing is my thing – let me live.

And finally…..

I have honestly read this text message exchange nearly every single day and it still cracks me up each time: