While I may seem bitter towards what God gave me in the post below, and the fashion pitfalls that come with having larger boobs, a recent discovery has made shopping less likely to give me angina: Bravissimo.
Yep, a few months ago, my mum arrived in Liverpool to see me for the day, and before I could even get her sat down with a cup of tea, “Where’s Liverpool’s Bravissimo store? We need to go today” came out of her mouth. While I may have begrudged being dragged out shopping at first, I was soon glad my mum introduced me to the store that stocks lingerie, swimwear and nightwear for D cups and up. Mother knows best, as per.
With a few holidays around the corner, I had delayed bikini shopping until the last possible minute (See Point 4) and wasn’t particularly in the mood to see my boobs squeezed into unflattering string bikinis, or worse: smothered in some old fashioned contraption that even your nan would deem ‘a bit frumpy’.
But this isn’t the case when you call into Bravissimo; the staff in Liverpool’s store made the whole process a pleasure – for the first time in my life bikini shopping did not end with me a hot sweaty mess; crying in the changing room. The advisors are hand, with no tape measures (they go by the much better method of seeing how different sizes look and feel for the customers, to give you an ‘uplifting’* shopping experience.
And guess what? They actually stock designs that are fun, flattering and, best of all – YOUNG! I opted for a staple black number for my top (Deco Swim Bikini Top), in order to mix and match while away, and fabulous zebra print bikini bottoms (Zambia in Blue Print Bikini) – Fierce!
While away, after 26 years of previously spending my days by the pool mainly readjusting my top, it was unbelievable to be able to enjoy the sun while being supported in a flattering designed bikini.
Bravissimo, the ‘breast’* friend a girl with big boobs can get!
“I’d kill for boobs like yours’ – If you’ve heard this phrase before, chances are you’re a gal with a larger chest, and you’re sure to relate to at least a few of the following:
1. Summer is a bitch
Oh sure, in the winter everyone wants your Double – Ds, but come the hot, sticky months (or on holiday) suddenly those with a bee stung chest are less envious. Yes, while they get to swan around, braless, in floaty dresses, vest tops and little strapless numbers, you’re in the corner; mopping up the under boob sweat and remembering to part your chebs now and again so not to get any nasty heat rashes.
Big boobs are for life, not just winter.
2. Running is painful
I’m not just talking about the pain you endure if your new sports bra lets you down. No no – I’m talking about enduring the God awful “jokes” should you be caught in lycra:
“Off for a run? Be careful not to give yourself two black eyes.”
The irony of having to restrain yourself from giving the ‘comedian’ a shiner.
3. Gok Wan needs to get over the bloody wrap dress
Look, I love Gok, I really do, but my God, man; not all girls with a bust and curves want to wear a bloody wrap dress. Remember when every solution he had on his shows was to get a fabulous wrap dress; nipping you in at the waist and showing off your assests. That and a few bangles. I’m sure wrap dresses are wonderful Gok, there’s a time and a place for them (my Gran’s 90th birthday meal, perhaps) but when you’re in teens/twenties you really want a few more options of what to wear for a night in town other than dressing like a menopause.
P.S I don’t know where my local haberdashery store is, sorry. I have failed you Gok.
4. Fashion is a minefield
It’s a straight up no to boob tubes, thin spaghetti tops. long necklaces, across the body bags (but does anyone want one of those, really?) and backless numbers. Even the items you can wear come with restrictions – anyone above a C cup will have felt the strain of a button across the chest of a formal shirt. Smart blazers and jackets that actually do up? LOL, that’s cute. And those lovely fitted tee shirts? They can transform you into an aspiring FHM model.
But the worst, without doubt, is the string bikini set. Your bottom half may well be a 10 but the same size top acts at little more than nipple pasties on you. The only way around it is to be stealthy in stores and do a bit of swapping; leaving a girl blessed with a Nicki Minaj booty and Kate Moss tits free to discover a size 18 bottom and 10 top.
5. You’re used to people speaking to your chest
Not many people could confidently say what colour your eyes are because, let’s face it – no one’s ever making eye contact, really. Yes, if you’ve been blessed with more than a handful, people talking to your tits is the norm, and it’s bot a blessing and a curse. If you’re working for tips perves gawping is manageable. But when it’s your mate’s dad, being a bit creepy, not even bothering to be subtle, that’s when it gets a bit annoying. He’s really not taking the divorce well, is he?
6. You’ve started taking Victoria Beckham’s advice and sleep in a bra
Remember when we all believed Vicky B’s bazookas were natural? All her talk of push up bras and breastfeeding had us believe that maybe her chest had naturally gone from resembling an ironing board to one that could give easily belong to a porn star’s? She spoke of how she slept in her bra in order to keep Phil & Grant Mitchell perky and, while we may have now had it confirmed Posh’s ample chest was thank to a surgeon, not sleep hacks, you still don’t always undo the bra before getting into bed.
Why? Because you’ve seen the future (your Great Aunt) and it’s saggy. You take no risks.
7. Your body is fair game and free for discussion, even with strangers
“God, I’d kill for your boobs”
Wow, lovely – how kind. However, I don’t know you, inappropriate stranger I met five minutes ago through a friend – let’s make small talk about the weather and the Great British Bake Off rather than my breasts.
Also, you can buy boobs just like mine at any reputable plastic surgeons – no need to commit any murders just yet.
8. Any outfit can be sexy
While it can be a curse (See point 4), big knockers don’t half come in handy on a fat day. Simply whack on a your classic LBD and no one is looking at the love handles, that’s for sure.
9. Rants occur in the underwear department of high street stores
“What a lovely bra. Oh, it’s only a tenner in a 38C but if I want it in a 36E then it’s 12 quid. This isn’t fair – who decided this absolute bullshit nonsense?”
“Well, it is more material, I guess” says your friend – already regretting opening her mouth
“If that was the case, why are size 6 knickers the exact same price as size 20 pants? No one is being financially punished for having a big arse. It’s not on.”
If i had a quid for every time I’ve had a conversation like this then I’d have enough money not to worry about an extra two quid on the cost of my bras.
10. A cleavage is a great storing place for food
Forget you quickly shoved down that biscuit earlier when you’re meant to be on a diet? Don’t worry – your cleavage will remind you of your slip up a few hours later when you take off your bra and a sea of crumbs fall out.
Yep, there’s no secretive eating when your tits are ready to hoard your 4pm raid of the treat cupboard. Bloody tits.