Because naturally, when dealing with break ups, me and Scarlett decided to go on a 48 Hour Bender in Brussels.
Iceland has an incest problem
Turns out that while they may have had dubious taste in hairstyles, they made up for it for their sense of humour. While we didn’t know much about Belgium, and still don’t, we’re now up to speed about little old Iceland. Mainly that they have an incest problem so bad, an app has been created to help them stop accidentally shagging their cousins. I mean, dating is hard in England but to be fair, none of us ever have to worry that we’ll go round for a roast at our new fella’s house and, when flicking through the family album, learn we actually share a great granddad or something. No, all we have to worry about is maybe our friends matched with them on Tinder too, or necked them on the park when they were 14.
Current Mood: Feeling blessed that the only app required for dating in England is Tinder, not an anti incest register.
French is the local dialect in Brussels
Oh, you already knew that? Turns out it’s just me and Scarlett that are ignorant and mooted whether ‘Belgish’ is a language before we landed.
No one checks your tram tickets
So don’t fret if you haven’t got change, just keep hold of your old ticket and take the risk. Then again, they’re only 2 euros, so unless dodging small transport fares is the only way you can feeling alive, perhaps just buy one and wait for karma to reward your honesty?
You can visit the whole of Europe in less than a few hours
Located at the foot of the Atomium, MINI-EUROPE is the only park where you can have a whistle-stop tour around Europe in a few short hours. And lets face it, your dad is going to absolutely love it.
“I’ve seen it all now, I don’t need to go anywhere else. Here’s me under the Effiel Tower, me next to the Leaning Tower of Pisa – not as big as it looks, I’m almost as tall as it hahaha. Oooo this one’s a good one, it’s me ‘pushing’ your mum off the gondola. People are daft paying to go all over Europe – Brussels has got it all under one roof and it only takes a couple of hours to do everything.” – Your dad after you booked him and your mum a trip to Brussels for their anniversary. Your mum just stares at you, rewriting her will to cut you out.
Go for your dad. He needs this – he’s had a tough year with Clarkson getting sacked and all that.
(Full disclosure: We didn’t go but I read the pamphlet cover to cover whilst hungover, just thinking ‘What a time to be alive’)
The people of Belgium aren’t that arsed about Jennifer Aniston getting married
Reading that Jen An got hitched, yelling the news to your mate, then fist pumping with joy, just gets you pity smiles from the waiting staff. They must not know that if Jennifer Aniston is happy, you too will be happy.
Making friends with chefs and waiters of the restaurant you eat in is always a good idea
They’ll take you to cool dive bars that have coffins for tables and a job lot of skeletons knocking about. They’ll teach you to swear in Italian and French and you in exchange, introduce them to Scouse dialect. You may have laughed but you’ve never truly laughed until you’ve heard an Italian yelling “Yer ma has a baldy head and collects footy stickers” at his mate.
The above is not a good idea a couple of hours before your flight
Everything seems like an excellent life choice when you’re on your 13th hour of drinking. It’s not when you’re on a airport floor with a school trip screaming around you as you try not to vomit out the result of two days of constant boozing.
Total costs for Tuesday night – Friday morning:
Flights: £40 return
Accommodation: £80 (£40 per person)
Spends: £202 (converted into 280 euros. This covered ridiculous taxis due to me being a moron who can’t pick the right airport and one hell of a lot of ale.)
Cellulite Reduction Cream: £25 Purchased slightly pissed after a day of suffering from chubby rub and catching my reflection of dimply thighs. An Amazon package upon arriving home, hungover, is always nice… i guess.
Verdict: If there’s a cheap flight and you’re in the mood to booze in a pretty location, go for it. I suspect it’s absolutely gorgeous around Christmas time. But to be honest, there’s not much to do but get on the ale – not that that’s a bad thing.
Next stop: Greece (Read about that trip here)