Originally published here last month.
Are you sitting comfortably? I’m about to drop a truth bomb so be prepared.
Break ups suck.
I know, hot take and all that. I think before I typed those words the internet had been completely devoid of any articles regarding something nearly every human being on this planet will, or has, been through.
Sarcasm aside, they’re not nice, are they? Even if it was a crappy relationship, even if you were the one who ended it; the first few days (or weeks) after a break up are a misty haze of crying, whiskey, shouting, more crying and even more whiskey. You’ll find yourself fighting back the tears when you see a bottle of water in the shop because of the memories it triggers – your ex totally loved keeping himself hydrated and staying alive *sniff*. You’ll breakdown to a song on the radio because the lyrics really speak to you and your situation at the moment. You’ll get emotional finding a sock in the washing he forgot to take and it all gets too much and you wish you were a celeb so you could swan off to Thailand for a retreat to see you through the heartbreak. But you’re not. Instead you’ve got Popworld and a bank balance that’s begging you not to spend any more money on booze because, you know, rent and bills and other boring shit.
These stages are important though. You need to have the pathetic breakdowns where you forget to be a normal functioning human being because in a few weeks you’ll look back and find it fucking hilarious/deeply embarrassing that you almost cried to a Maroon 5 song. Maroon 5. Really?
Pros & Cons
Con: You can’t eat
Normally, your feelings are silenced by ramming carbs down your throat; only stopping to breathe. But no, you feel so sick you can’t stomach anything; not even a spoonful of ice cream. No ‘Ben & Jerry are the only men I need in my life’ cliché gags for you.
Pro: But you can drink
And boy do you. No one judges you for getting on the ale before midday. In fact, your friends actively encourage it (nice excuse for them to have a breakfast gin too). Diet Coke starts to taste funny without any vodka in it. It’s like Christmas – there are no inappropriate times to not be drunk. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.
Con: You’re sleeping alone and the bed feels so much bigger
You still stick to your side even though whenever you’d spent a night apart you’d starfish the fuck out of the mattress. You suddenly become a mopey version of yourself and completely forgot he used to hog the covers, fart and set alarms too early and sleep through them.
Pro: THE BED FEELS SO MUCH BIGGER. Come on, get over it and embrace the fact you don’t have spend your nights laid next to another sticky, sweaty human body. Sleeping with someone else is some weird unnatural thing and I’d love to know who decided it was the norm. If you really do want someone laid next to you during this heatwave then I’m starting to lose a little sympathy for your heartache. Sorry.
Con: How are you ever going to have sex with anyone else? You can’t imagine being with anyone but your ex?
Your ex was just your type. He was perfect. You rarely ever even saw anyone else that made your eye wander. You spend hours flicking through Tinder and deem every single male a Poundland version of your ex. If David Beckham came onto you, you’d probably politely decline him and mumble something about his tattoos being nowhere near as nice as your ex’s. Will you ever get laid again?
Pro: But then you do. And it’s good.
You finally do put yourself back out there and suddenly realise that the reason you couldn’t imagine having sex with anyone else is because you couldn’t imagine sex THIS FUCKING GOOD.
Guess what, there’s another version of your ex out there and he’s two inches taller and even better in bed.
Con: No more romantic meals out or takeaways in
You’ll never feel more single than when Just Eat tells you don’t meet the delivery requirement.
Pro: Weight loss!
That last 6 pound been a bitch to shift? Favourite dress got a little tight? Well guess what, you’ve just shifted about 14 stone of inadequate male and the rest is going to drop off.
Con: You’re going to have to buy your own Netflix
Older people may moan about how our generation has it easy, but have they ever opened up Netflix one day to discover the password has been changed. Or maybe swiped through Tinder to find their ex grinning back at them? Or accidently liked an old picture during an ill-advised 3am Facebook stalk one night? No. Millennials have it tough.
Pro: You swerve Netflix and get a life
You go out and quickly realise there are only so many 9/11 conspiracy documentaries you can watch.
Con: You don’t act like yourself…..
You really don’t recognise who this utterly mental emotional wreck is.
Pro: You get away with anything though
This is the time to act like a selfish dickhead because you’ll more than certainly be forgiven. You get roughly one week of absolutely batshit crazy behaviour after the break up and it’s all excused. After that, sympathy varies depending on the situation, but you usually get a few weeks. Don’t want to go to your acquaintance’s boring baby shower? HEARTBREAK. Don’t want to stay late at work like everyone else? HEARTBREAK. Don’t want to get out of bed and communicate like a functioning human being? HEART. BREAK. You get the idea.
Con: You’ll waste a few days of your life crying
Here’s the thing; once you start crying you can’t stop. If you’re even only mildly dramatic, you’ll take those few tears trickling down your face and turn them into a full blown, half hour, howling banshee cry fest.
Pro: But then you’ll do something ridiculously ‘Life Goals’
Something you would have never done when stuck with him. You book a holiday, get a new job, sign up to run a marathon even though you currently get out of breath walking down the stairs (Yes, down – you’re that unhealthy) – you basically start to act like you’re one of them full time fab head instragrammers.
#LIFEHACK Don’t even bother looking at any of his social media accounts. Forget his passwords. Or better yet, tell him to change them
Just put all your accounts on private so you’re not tempted to post anything for his eyes (he ain’t looking) and don’t look at his boring feed and over analyse things. He’s not going to post ‘Omg I miss my ex so much. What was I thinking #GUTTED” (be hilarious if he did,like) so what are you looking for? A picture where he’s within 2 feet of a female for you to over-analyse? Nah, you’re better than that, girl. Steven Gerrard has just moved to LA for Christ Sake, his Instagram feed is going to be gold – get on that instead!
If you still need a distraction to get you through the pain, start browsing Paperchase for the perfect Thank You notes. Because, and trust me on this one, in a few months you’re going to look back and realise the nicest thing he ever did for you during your time together was let you go. And it’s only polite to send a card.