This Friday sees the inmates of Litchfield Penitentiary return to Netflix – yep, the third season of Orange is the New Black is a mere two days away and, given the fact they’ve already green light a fourth season, it’s safe to say it will be as binge watching worthy as ever.
Normal people will enjoy prolonging the show; limiting themselves to maybe an episode a day, or even a week for if they’re super disciplined. After all, a year is a long wait for a new series, isn’t it? Why rush it? I am not one of those people. Just like the cake that suggests it serves four (four amateurs, maybe), I devour my shows in one sitting.
Here’s the inevitable cycle of what will happen when we finally catch up on what’s been happening with Alex, Piper & co.
1. Thursday night will roll round, you’ll declare that you don’t mind being tired for work on Friday – you’re staying up until midnight and catching at least a couple of episodes. Then, you’ll realise America is behind the UK and it’s still June 11th over there.
(#TB to last year when I used a DNS code to get American Netflix, thinking they were ahead of us and this would get me my fix. I really should get more sleep.)
2. You’ll get up early to try sneak an episode in before work but it STILL isn’t up.
3. A full day at work will drag. You considering quitting just to get home and get your fix
4. Your partner or friends will suggest maybe you watch it together.
No. The only thing I want to be surrounded by is carbs and wine – not people!
5. You’ve got enough supplies to last you a full 13 hours. Hell, you’ve got enough to last a whole family being snowed in for a week. You’re all set. Then……
Why not Netflix? WHY?!?
6. Netflix finally stops being a little bitch and you’re in!
7. Oh it’s so good!
8. God, these characters are so relatable.
9. You actually get up to press for the next episode as 8 seconds is just too long to wait.
“This counts as exercise, right?”
10. “God, Alex is so fit.” Then you’ll remember that someone sent you the link to the real life Miss Vause and your crush feels tainted.
11. Although, fictional Alex, as fit as she may be, could do with an appointment with a HD Brow specialist.
The on point eyeliner makes up for it though.
12. You’ll start wondering how Piper was ever with Larry? Really though?
13. 6 episodes in – people start asking if you’re ever going to move tonight.
14. Then Netflix starts it’s judging.
15. The weaker episodes creep in but you stick with it.
16. Then the food baby from all the snacks also creeps in.
17. WTF?!? It’s the finale? How did this happen? Surely there’s more. I’m not ready for it to be over.
18. That can’t be the end.
19. “Why didn’t I at least spread this out over the weekend?”
20.” Oh well, only another year until i get my next fix!”
See also: My listicles for The Metro