An interview with Canadian comic Tom Stade for this month’s OPEN Magazine. Some of the quotes from the interview were omitted and I explain why in this piece.

“Is this Zoe? I’m so sorry – I’m in a basement flat with no signal and got a bit off my face last night with all the partying. I’ve just got your missed calls”.

It’s 11.30am on a Tuesday morning and comedian Tom Stade has finally called me back. Our interview was scheduled for 10am and I may have gone a little ‘pyscho ex-girlfriend’ when he went straight to voicemail; ringing and texting frantically. Tom Stade is a rising star with rave reviews. Tom Stade has earned a reputation as one of the most original and exciting stand ups around. Tom Stade, however, is also not punctual.

“Oh, it’s ok,” I lie. “I get no signal in my flat either so I understand”. The last bit isn’t a lie (Seriously EE, sort your life out) – I’ve been absolutely freezing, hanging off my balcony for over an hour just to ensure I had a few bars of signal ready from when the comic was ready to call me back. I’m cold and cranky.

“Oh cool, so we’re no ‘3G buddies’ then?” he quips with his trademark stoner drawl. “Are you ready to do the interview now?” Oh, I’m ready to get this interview over and done with – my nipples could cut glass. He better be funny.

Turns out he is funny – very funny. He won me over within minutes and quickly proved just why he’s on his way to becoming a household name. He’s charismatic, warm, and witty and he answers absolutely anything presented to him– even questions about bestiality (really).

Since arriving in the UK, Canadian-born Stade has built up a reputation as a first class stand-up comedian; with his magnetic stage presence and impeccable storytelling skills. You may not clock the name straight away but his face, and distinctive voice, will most likely leave you saying ‘Ahhhh I know who that is’. His performances on shows such as Live at the Apollo, Stand Up for the Week and The Boyle Variety Show have ensured that he has become a recognisable face on the comedy circuit.

“I love playing in Liverpool,” he enthusiastically declares when we get chatting about his forthcoming gig in the city. “I’ve been many times. Most of the time I go to a place called the Slaughter House, which is one my favourite places to work -in my top three of places to play. It’s such a little venue in a basement where you can get so connected to an audience; a lot of places you don’t get that connection. It’s the perfect condition for comedy and plus, I kinda like Liverpudlian people – they don’t take much shit.”

Scousers not taking much shit? That sounds like a fair shout. Comedians don’t either – a quick google while I was waiting for him to call me (I am actually over it, I swear) reveals that stand-ups get a bit pissy about boring interviews. I decide to try and make the interview a bit more entertaining rather than just asking him about his worst on stage experiences and other generic questions.

OPEN: Wanna play ‘Would you rather?’, Tom?

TOM: Sure, go ahead…

Ok, Would you rather be 4”4 or 7”7?

7”7 – defo.

That was the simple one to ease you in. Now, would you rather fuck a goat and nobody know or everyone think you’ve fucked a goat when you haven’t?

[Big laughs] My ego says one but my heart says two! I’m a bit of a showboater… I’d rather everyone thought I fucked a goat and didn’t, than actually fuck one and not be able to brag about it. I’m going with ‘everyone thinking I’ve fucked a goat when I haven’t.’

Sweat mayonnaise or shit footballs?

I’ll defo go with sweating mayo, simply for the fact I could make money from jarring it.

But it would be sweaty mayo?

Still mayo.

Fair enough. Last one – eat a cactus or poo a cactus?

I cannot believe I’m answering these. I will answer but just because you sound like a fun person. I think I would shit a cactus. Just so they’d go: ‘Isn’t that the guy that fucked a goat whilst sweating mayo? Did he just shit out a cactus?’

At this point Tom’s signal gives up and I worry that the only thing I’ve got from this interview is his ingenious plan to make money from sweaty mayo. Luckily he calls me back and we get chatting about the big news on the internet that morning – Sir Ian Botham accidentally tweeting a picture of penis.

“If you’ve taken a picture of your dick, it’s not an accident that you’ve tweeted it. It’s not like “Ooooo, how did this picture of my dick get in my photo album?” He laughs when we discuss Beefy’s disturbing looking length. “With that said, it’s not that I’m against people sending dick pics around, but let’s just be real and not call it an accident”.

Have you ever sent one? Accident or not?

No. I wouldn’t send one in the fear that my daughter, who follows me on Twitter, could end up seeing and that’s the last thing she’s going to want to look at.

Speaking of Twitter, are you a fan of it or not? Some comedians resent it due to how easily their jokes can be stolen on the site.

I love Twitter! For many years I was against it until I signed up and got hooked. It’s sort of like being in a play – it’s instant gratification. And who doesn’t love instant gratification? I write something and 10 seconds later someone replies to me. I’m like ”Honey, my family may think I’m just okay, but this guy on Twitter thinks I’m dynamite!”

Hopefully, Tom will receive the gratification he enjoys when he comes to Liverpool this October, with his fantastic UK tour, ‘Decisions Decisions’.

Tom Stade: Decisions Decisions , Friday 24th October, St Georges Hall. Tickets (£16) available from laughterhousecomedy.com

See also: Review: Liverpool Comedy Festival

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