Remember a couple of week’s ago I promised my round up of October would be up within days? Well, the lie detector results are back and let’s just say Jeremy Kyle would frothing at the mouth right now; calling me a liar and demanding I get a job. I don’t really have an excuse. I want to say I’ve been busy but I don’t think intense self loathing and making a string of bad life decisions counts as a valid activity unfortunately. Shame.
Luckily, I’ve still got an inflated ego and just enough narcism left in me to believe that anyone truly cares what I got up to weeks and weeks ago so here it is, better late than never.
What I Wrote
10 things generation rent can relate too
9 pros of having a long distance best friend
The shit that happens in your twenties
5 reasons a female only gym is the future
The ones before The One
Here’s why you should date a Scouser
What I did
In the midst of a Sunday afternoon of crippling anxiety, self loathing, regret and general hangover vibes I pledged that I wanted to start having more wholesome weekends; less drinking, more good old fashioned fun. Spoiler alert – I haven’t exactly worked out but I did manage one amazing sober(ish) day of activities throughout October in the form of breaking out of a locked room and vegan food. Doesn’t sound like the best way to spend a Sunday you cry? Hear me out.
I’ve started my fresh, hangover free Sunday tweeting that I was fresh and hangover free. What’s the point of not drinking yourself into a state on a Saturday night if you can’t be unbearably smug online the next day? After being so annoying on Twitter that half my followers probably muted me, I headed across town to meet Michael, Jenny and Lee to have a go at escaping one of the rooms at Breakout Liverpool.
If you’re unfamiliar with Breakout then just imagine Crystal Maze but without that creepy guy following you around giving snide, sarcastic ‘advice’. In teams of 2-5 you’re locked* in one of their various themed rooms with 60 minutes on the clock with whole hosts of clues and riddles you need to crack in order to get the key you need to make your big escape.
*Don’t worry fellow anxious types – there’s an emergency exit clearly visible.
As it was near Halloween and I’m a morbid little emo at the best of times, we opted for The Facility room (4/5 difficulty). The idea is you arrive at an unknown location for a once in a lifetime opportunity; a conference held by the critically acclaimed, Dr. Andrews. What you don’t know, is that Dr. Andrews has gone mad, creating a string of tests that have gone disastrously wrong. He has brought you here for his final experiment. You have one hour to escape his maze of tricks and games, before a deadly virus kills you all.
Now obviously there is no actual threat to your life but some irritating dickhead started acting like breaking out really was a matter of life and death; bossing people around and actually saying at one point “Okay, you’ve had enough fun now – back to work” when someone dared to take a second off cracking codes and clues to have a laugh. The dickhead in question is me and I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Jenny and Lee for turning into Monica Geller on speed and being the Himmler to Michael’s Hitler as we ran around trying to solve puzzles and find keys. What can I say – I believe that if you’re not taking fun, easy going games way too seriously then what’s the actual point of it all?
We managed to break out with twenty minutes left on the clock and guys, when the staff started praising us and saying it was one of the best escapes they’d seen all day it went straight to my head. I know deep down it’s their job to shower praise on their customers and make them feel good but I live for validation from strangers so I took it and run with it. Just look how pleased I look with myself on the picture!
My finest achievement of 2016. Depressing but true.
I’m absolutely sold on Breakout. It’s escapism, literally and metaphorically. For up to an hour (or 40 mins if you’re amazing like me and break out fast) your brain is distracted from all your weird thoughts and feelings and the only thing on your mind is cracking the bloody codes.
So far, so sober and feeling as good as I do after 10 drinks.
When you think of Las Iguanas you think 241 cocktails in Liverpool One and the venue suggestion of where to go on your date by that lad you’ve been speaking to on Tinder, don’t you? You don’t ever think ‘Wow, I bet they have an extensive, varied and tasty separate menu exclusively for vegans and vegetarians” do you? Well, you should because they do and it’s pretty impressive. Yep, with a dining party that consisted of a vegan, a dairy free pescartian who slips up now and again when drunk/at Barburrito and two lads who’ll do as they’re told, we made our post Breakout high selves to Las Iguanas to see how their menu caters to the pretentious diners in the world.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never eaten at Las Iguanas before. Normally, I’m in there, abusing the cheap delicious cocktails and adopting the mentality ‘eating’s cheating’ but I am so glad I finally stopped being a low-key functioning alcoholic and got some scran for once. Guys, this place is a utopia for vegans and veggies. How many times have you been to a restaurant and the non meat option (singular, not plural in most cases) has been an after thought; a boring risotto or a bland bean burger more often than not. Las Iguanas don’t subscribe to this nonsense though – with a whole menu dedicated to those who swerve meat and dairy we had plenty to choose from.
Just look at all that glorious scene! We had Nachos, Taco Planks, Halloumi Churrasaco Skewers Fiesta Ensalada and my personal fav, Moqueca De Palmitos (Butternut squash, palm hearts & spinach in a creamy coconut curry with charred red peppers, garlic & fresh tomatoes. With spring onion rice, sweet plantain, pico de gallo & a coconut farofa to sprinkle) which you would have no idea was vegan. I know that sounds like such a smug, wanky vegan thing to say (and I’m not even vegan, just smug and wanky) but it’s true.
And of course, we got a few cocktails too. Look, I know I was meant to be having a Sober Sunday but when they’re 241 it’s cheaper to neck a few Dark & Stormy mixes than it is to order a Diet Coke. Probably. Maybe. I don’t know but I’m sticking to my theory as my way of defending my love of alcohol.
As we left I noticed a sign on the door that stated that all tips go direct to the staff. No little nasty fees taken off like the rats at Pizza Express and other places do. Is right, Las Iguanas you babes. Always nice to know you’ve just eaten in a venue that doesn’t take advantage of their staff like little Tories.
The next time a boy asks me on a date to Las Iguanas I won’t turn my nose up but instead be excited to order from my own special menu and bore him about the importance of tipping.
What articles I’ve been reading
Letting fee are awful, and Philip Hammond is right to ban them I imagined my old letting agents having breakdowns at the news today in the office and lads, I’m not going to lie, I was pretty turned on.
Liverpool Empire: White Christmas Review Michael is my hilarious mate and I hate the fact he’s funnier than me so this might be the first and last time I link his work as i’m petty and bitter.
Documenting Trump’s abuse of women A nice cheery read for you all.
America, We’ve been there and here’s how to cope over the next few days About that dick Trump again but at least time it’s a funny piece
Rating exactly how Yer Da the first episode of The Grand Tour is LOL
The BBC is doing the far right’s work for it Quick reminder that it’s not ‘Alt Right’, it’s ‘Neo Nazi’
What to do if you can’t afford a therapist? Cause being broke and depressed is my entire brand, after all.
“I was so embarrassed I cried” – Do parents share too much online? Cba to read? Take my word for it, they do.
Every Italian will receive 500 euros to spend on books on their 18th birthday I just think this is WONDERFUL and wanted to put a happy story amongst the misery I’m linking you all too.
I stopped wearing a poppy when it no longer meant ‘never again’ Another political article – boring bitch, aren’t i?
There is nothing pretentious about being a vegan But it’s probably a bit pretentious to be a ‘Dairy free pescatarian who slips up at Barburrito every two weeks” like my good self. At least I know I’m a dickhead eh?
13 little things anxiety sufferers should know Worrying that I don’t do enough to combat my anxiety problems is my latest worry.
I am not Daniel Blake but how can I help? More on this film later.
Why Gary Lineker, Lily Allen and you shouldn’t comment Wouldn’t be massively surprised if Gary is a contender for next Labour leader tbh. 2016 has taught us anything is possible.
Social Menopause: Have you gone through the change yet? In a classic me move, I read this while having an existential crisis on a Sunday, hungover.
Why flexible working makes me happier? And I read this one while ‘working’ at home (aka eating cereal out of a cup and tweeting)
My mother’s last receipt Turns out the girl who played Matilda is a pretty amazing writer these days.
What I’ve been listening too
My Dad Wrote A Porno I’m very late to the party on this one; even if this post had gone out when it should have done I would have been weeks behind everyone. I was sceptical of Podcasts; mainly because everyone recommended Serial to me but I kept falling asleep after the first ten minutes each time I tried to listen to it and just gave up in the end and felt left out when everyone was droning on about it. I don’t need to describe My Dad Wrote A Porno to you, you’re probably already know all about it. Christ, even my mum probably does. It’s good, isn’t it? I would like more Podcast recommendations like this one please.
November’s round up should be up around mid 2017.
I’m kidding. At least, I hope I am.
See also: The September Issue